Is It You or Is It Me?
How We Turn Our Emotions Inside Out and Blame Each OtherBook - 1998
The authors show couples how to develop healthy, loving relationships by avoiding misplaced anger and blame in their relationships and by teaching partners how to cope with the uncomfortable emotions that intimacy arouses and take responsibility for them.
In this provocative new look at romantic relationships, psychologist Scott Wetzler explores the widespread phenomenon of misplaced anger that seems to define couple dynamics in the 1990s. He finds a wary, secretive, and combative atmosphere clouding relationships. Partners are feeling hurt and bruised by the very people with whom they are most vulnerable. In desperation and puzzlement, they are asking, "Who's at fault here? Is It You or Is It Me?
"What seems to be driving this "inside-out" dynamic, says Dr. Wetzler, is our increasing inability to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings that intimacy arouses--anger, anxiety, frustration, disappointment, or self-doubt. We have become utterly cynical about love and find it easier to hold our partners responsible for our psychological frailties than to own up to and work through the confusing emotions that inevitably accompany falling and being in love.
In Is It You or Is It Me? Dr. Wetzler and Diane Cole explain that the key to better relationships is the ability to look inward rather than outward to understand why we feel the way we do. We need to acknowledge our own insecurities if we are ever to distinguish when blame really does exist "out there" and when responsibility resides within.
Written in a strong narrative style with illuminating case examples throughout, here is a book of relationship advice for grownups. Reading it will give couples the tools they need to sort through confusion, let go of anger, tolerate feelings of vulnerability, and learn to forgive. Only by truly understanding the ways in which we contribute to the problems in our relationships can we become the true masters of our fate and nurture the love we seek.
Explores the widespread phenomenon of misplaced anger that characterizes so many relationships in the 1990s, resulting from an increased intolerance to the feelings aroused by intimacy